Never Too Late
by hermiine
Summary: This story ads one more reason to why Mac had a connection to Commander Aiken from Capitol Crime. Then the story took a life of its own… COMPLETE
1. 1 out of 6

Never Too Late  
  
Summery: This story ads one more reason to why Mac had a connection to Commander Aiken from Capitol Crime. Then the story took a life of its own...  
  
Spoilers: Anything's fair game, but mainly just a little from Capitol Crimes (season 7) including some borrowed lines  
  
Disclaimer: All mine = Big lie  
  
Author's Notes: The idea of the first chapter came to me as I was watching Capitol Crime and the rest is of unknown origin ;) It's pretty dark at times and I suspect that some people aren't going to like the way I've let the characters act. I just want to state for the record that I really like both Mac and Harm. How they act in this story is not how I would like them to act, but it was how the story came to me and I didn't feel that it was way out either... you'll be the judges of that. I love feedback. This story hasn't been beta-reed, since I didn't want to bother the great people who are helping me with my other story with even more work from me. The story is all written out and ready, but except for the two parts I'm posting today I'll leave it up to you to decide how often I should post. If you want to know if it has a happy ending... well look at the title and see what you make of it... I think that was everything for now on with the story. Oh, one more thing the story jumps a little in time so be sure to watch the timestamps.  
  
Part 1  
  
January 2002  
  
Sturgis had come into Mac's office to apologize and try to start on a new page with her, but somehow he had once again gotten himself into a discussion about the tension between her and Harm. The last weeks it had somehow changed, Sturgis didn't know why, but lately the two of them had acted strangely around each other. They were going out of the way not to say anything the least hurtful or upsetting to the other, but had in that also lost the spirit of friendship between them. Sturgis had almost doubted that he should call Harm at all and ask how to handle her. In the end he still had thinking that Harm probably was the only one who had the slightest idea of how to handle her.  
  
"There seems to be a lot of tension between you two," Sturgis said to her 'Especially now' he thought, but didn't say that out aloud afraid that that would put her even more into defensive mode.  
  
"Some," Mac agreed.  
  
"A lot," Sturgis suggested instead.  
  
"Look you're missing the point, Sturgis," she said wanting to steer the conversation away from the dangerous topic. She was going to fail completely.  
  
"Come on, Mac," he goaded her on.  
  
"I slept with him," Mac said. 'When will I learn to think before I talk?' she thought as soon as the words were out of her mouth, but in one way it was a relief to have someone she could talk about it with even if Sturgis definitely was the wrong person to do so with. She and Harm had hardly even broached the subject. However his best friend might not be the best person to vent to. She wasn't going to say anything more about it now. No way.  
  
"Is that the problem?" Sturgis asked very shocked by her confession.  
  
"There is no problem," Mac said harshly, but Sturgis wasn't very convinced by it.  
  
"Then why don't you just get over it and move on?" Sturgis suggested. He wondered a little about when in time this had happened, but he pushed those thoughts away since he was quite sure he didn't want to know more about it.  
  
"It wouldn't work," Mac had gotten up to close the door. She sure hoped that no one else had heard her admit that they had slept together. That would make the whole thing even worse.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I'm in love with him," Mac said still facing the door "Did I say that?" and to herself she continued beating herself 'What am I saying? Where did I leave my brain?' Mac went over and sat down in one of the visitors started trying to do some damage control. "You have to keep that to yourself."  
  
"OK, but maybe you should talk..."  
  
"I mean it, Sturgis."  
  
"So do I," Sturgis said. He really didn't want to get involved in this thing between the two of them. He was however for their sake hoping that they would find a way for them to come to terms with this.  
  
--  
  
The next day Sturgis and Mac were working together in the conference room. In the previous interview they had found out that they had been on the wrong path and were now trying to figure out where to go from there. Mac had seemed absent-minded the whole day and Sturgis had observed how much effort it took for her to be able to focus on what they were doing. At the moment she was beating herself up for having her instincts or visions not leading them right. Sturgis didn't want her to be so hard on herself. He was slowly getting more interested in what had triggered this connection between the two women.  
  
"Pain, happiness, regret, pride in serving your country," he suggested as things they could have in common and then continued "Look at the facts. You're both single women in the military with everything that carries with it. You're both strong, vulnerable, too. You've each had your share of problems with men... Sorry."  
  
"No, you're right Sturgis. In more ways than you think."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"I'm pregnant," she mumbled almost inaudible, but Sturgis who was sitting right beside her caught every word.  
  
"Harm?" Sturgis asked, but knowing what she had said yesterday he didn't doubt that Harm was the father.  
  
Mac nodded and buried her face in her hands. She wanted this. Harm's child. How many times had she dreamed about being pregnant with Harm's child? Uncountable times. Those dreams had however also involved a marriage or at least a relationship. A night that they had both chosen to ignore as much as they could wasn't it. Mac wasn't sure if he had ever really loved her, maybe from his part it had just been lust and physical attraction. She knew that he respected her and now believed that the reason he had backed away from this situation so many times before was that he only felt physical attraction for her and nothing else, but respected her too much to give in to that attraction.  
  
She knew that he hadn't been sure of what she wanted on that ferry in Sydney, she didn't even know herself exactly what she had suggested. All she knew was that she had thought that if they ever took a step over that line between just being friends and being something else, then they would also be able to tell each other how they felt. She had been ready, but seeing the regret in Harm's eyes the morning after had made her swallow her words and keep quiet. What she had thought was unspoken love she now took as plain lust and desire. The regret had become mirrored in her eyes, if he didn't have those same feelings for her this night had been in vain. It had only hurt their friendship. She had escaped his apartment as soon as she possibly could and in the following four weeks they hadn't uttered one word about it to each other hoping that they would somehow be able to restore their fragile friendship.  
  
"Does he know?" Sturgis asked and woke Mac up from her thoughts.  
  
"No, I just found out yesterday," Mac shook her head in her hands and then she turned her head so she could see him. She looked so scared like she needed someone to come and help her.  
  
"You know you should be telling him this. That and what you let slip yesterday. He'll support you..."  
  
"I know, I know. I will tell him once he gets home from the Patrick Henry, I'd never keep his child away from him. Sturgis, I'm sorry to bother you with this. I know you don't want to get involved."  
  
"I want to help my friends," Sturgis said. Slowly he was realizing that in this office your colleagues were also your friends. You were expected to get involved in their problems and that was something that had taken him some time to get used to.  
  
"You have helped," Mac said, but regardless of that help she was no closer to knowing what would happen next than she had been before.  
  
TBC 


	2. 2 out of 6

Part 2  
  
August 2010  
  
"Benji, your father will be here anytime," Mac said to calm her brown eyed and brown-haired son down a bit. Except for the eyes he looked so much like his father. Benji had however inherited her sense of timing and was now sitting on the bench in front of their little, yellow house waiting for his father to show up very much aware of his lateness.  
  
"Was he always late like this?" he asked his mother.  
  
"Yeah, pretty much. You know he still really looks forward to seeing you, don't you? I'm sure of that."  
  
"Look, there's his car," Benji said and got up and started pointing at the red Corvette that was making its way down the street. Mac had to hold him back so he wouldn't run out on the street.  
  
"There he is," Mac said slowly and took her son by the hand and walked over the front lawn to exchange some words with Harm and say goodbye to Benji.  
  
"Hey, Ben. Are you all set?" Harm asked his son showing just as much enthusiasm as his son.  
  
"Sure am."  
  
"When are you bringing him back on Sunday?" Mac asked.  
  
"Sometime between five and six if that's okay."  
  
"Sounds good," Mac kneeled down before her son so their heads were on the same level and she could look him straight into the eyes. "I'll see you on Wednesday like always and then you'll come back here on Sunday," she told him seriously "You be good to your father now."  
  
"I will. I love you, Mom."  
  
"I love you too," Mac wrapped her arms around her son and then watched how he with the help from his father was buckled up in the seat of the Corvette. She knew that he was going to have a good week with his father just like he did every other week when he went and lived with him. It was hard for her to say goodbye to him and let him go to his father.  
  
"Jane isn't going to be there, is she?" Benji asked his father skeptically as they were driving away.  
  
"Not this time, no. She isn't going to be around anymore at all actually," Harm explained.  
  
"Great," Benji said not hiding his enthusiasm at this new information. Harm looked at him a little sternly, but didn't say anything. Benji had never liked any of the girlfriends that he had met and Jane hadn't been an exception to that rule.  
  
"Did you have a nice week at your Mom's?" he asked instead.  
  
"I guess. Did you know Mom broke up with Malcolm?"  
  
"No, I didn't. Is she sad about that?"  
  
"They had a really big fight after they thought I had gone to bed. I don't know about what though... Maybe you could be Mom's boyfriend instead. I'm sure she'd be glad then..." This was something Benji had given a lot of thought to. "You could come and stay with us all the time. You wouldn't have to move."  
  
"Ben, you know that isn't going to happen. Your mom and I... we are never going to... You also know why I have to move."  
  
"I guess so, but I still think it would be kind of neat if we all lived together like Jimmy and AJ and Harriet and Bud."  
  
--  
  
Mac was sitting in her kitchen together with Sturgis. They were talking and drinking coffee like they did every Sunday Benji was at Harm's. Harm was going to bring Benji over any minute now. She had talked a little with her son yesterday and he had seemed really happy and busy, but had also said that he missed her.  
  
"Tough week at work?" Sturgis asked her.  
  
"A bit," she took a sip of her coffee "I had a really rough case and... You know I can't talk about it, but it kind of still hangs over me."  
  
"I know what you mean," Sturgis nodded.  
  
"How about you? Are you coming along in civilian life?"  
  
"Yeah, it simply had to be that way with the girls and all. I didn't want Varese to have to give up singing," he told her. Mac sensed a small sting of loss. She had however also seen the amount of thought he had put in before making the decision to resign and doubted that he would regret it in the long run. "So, have you told Benji about Harm's transfer yet?" Sturgis asked her.  
  
"Yeah, we told him when Harm dropped him off last time. He took it pretty well I think. I don't think he quite understands it yet though."  
  
"It's not going to be easy for him," Sturgis concluded "Being away from his father for such long periods of time."  
  
"No, it won't, but I can't do anything about it... and still I think I'll get the blame for it. You know Harm can do nothing wrong in his eyes."  
  
"Sons and their fathers."  
  
"The two of them, they share something. Something Benji has never shared with me," Mac said with a little sadness. However she was also very happy that he had a father to share those things with.  
  
Their talk was interrupted when they both heard the door open and Benji came in running to the kitchen where he knew from past experience that he would find his mother and Sturgis.  
  
"Hi Uncle Sturgis!" he threw his arms around Sturgis first and then went over to hug Mac.  
  
"Hey," Harm came into the kitchen with Benji's bags. "How are you?" he asked both of them.  
  
"Good," Sturgis said and Mac just nodded.  
  
"Mac, can I talk to you in private?" he then asked her.  
  
"Sure, let's go out on the porch," Mac agreed.  
  
"I've been thinking about Benji a lot lately and about my transfer," Harm started once they were out of the hearing range of their son.  
  
"You're thinking about not going?" Mac asked a bit more hopeful than she had meant it to be.  
  
"No. I want to take him with me."  
  
"What do you mean take him with you?" Mac asked already suspecting where this was going.  
  
"I want him to move to San Diego with me."  
  
"No way," was all Mac said and turned around to go back into the house.  
  
"What do you mean 'no way'? He's my son too and I think it would be good for Ben. He needs his father," Harm protested and grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away. Mac swung around and made him loose his grip.  
  
"You think he needs you more than he needs me? Let me tell you something. I'm the one who has given everything up for him. I cut down on work and travels to be more with him, gave up my military career for him. I'm not going to let you take him to California just to have a babysitter take care of him," Mac said harshly trying to make him understand why she couldn't let her son go and live with him.  
  
"It's a command position, I won't need to travel as much as I have done now."  
  
"You'll still work all of the time. Harm, this is not a discussion we're going to have. The next time a good career opportunity comes up and you need to leave, are you telling me you won't take it?"  
  
"Mac, you know as well as I do that I didn't choose to get this transfer. It was long overdue. You also know as well as I do that we've been really lucky that I've been stationed here in DC for so long. Orders are orders."  
  
"But that doesn't make a difference, Harm. I don't want him growing up changing school every other year," for Mac this wasn't anything she was willing to discuss any further. She turned around to walk back in, but was stopped by Harm grabbing hold of her arm once again. This time she just stayed with her back turned against him.  
  
"Mac, I hoped we could talk about this," he said calmly "If we can't agree some way we're going to need help from someone else."  
  
"You want to take this to court?"  
  
"Not unless I have to."  
  
"Harm, don't do this," Mac pleaded with him much softer.  
  
"I have to."  
  
"You'll loose."  
  
"Then at least I fought for him," 'It's what I should have done it for you.' He let go of her arm and she went back into the house.  
  
--  
  
"Is he asleep?" Sturgis asked as Mac came down from Benji's room.  
  
"Not yet. I told him he could read for a while. He heard us fight... again."  
  
"Yeah, it was pretty hard to not do that."  
  
"Thank you for staying. I know you're needed at home."  
  
"Mac, I'm your best friend. What kind of friend would I be if I left you when you are as upset as I can clearly see that you are? What happened? What did you fight about?"  
  
"Harm wants sole custody. He wants to bring him with him to San Diego. He's going to take my baby away..." Mac started crying and Sturgis was quickly there holding her and trying to comfort her.  
  
"It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay, Mac."  
  
"No, it won't. It never was."  
  
TBC 


	3. 3 out of 6

A lot of thanks to the people who encouraged me to post more of the story. I'm in a good mode so here it is...  
  
Part 3  
  
February 2002  
  
"Harm, "Mac said after she opened the door. A week ago she had told him about her pregnancy. He had been shocked, really shocked and hadn't gotten a single word out of his mouth. She had told him to take some time and think about it and come and talk to her when he was ready to do so. They had worked on separate cases recently so they had hardly seen each other at all. Not that they wouldn't have been able to ignore those things even if they had, they were good at ignoring important things.  
  
"Mac, can I come in?"  
  
"Yeah, "Mac nodded and let him in. He took off his coat and sat down on the couch. Mac went to sit down opposite of him in one of the armchairs. She sat in such a defensive pose, her arms tucked in front of her and her mental wall up high around her. He could see how afraid she was of getting hurt.  
  
"I've been thinking a lot about the baby," he started off looking down at his hands "and I think it would be best for everyone if we got married."  
  
"Why?" Mac said terrified and shocked. She hadn't expected this. However a little hope that maybe he felt the same way about her as she did about him was lit in her heart.  
  
"I think it will be the best for the baby, we can live together and take care of him or her together and..." his voice trailed off. He didn't think that she would want to hear the most important reason for him to want to be married to her. The reason that had nothing to do with the baby.  
  
"You think that's the best for the baby, to grow up in a scam, a fake family with parents who don't love each other. I'm not going to let that happen," Mac said. She had now realized that he was just thinking in practical terms, not at all interested in actually being married to her.  
  
"Sarah," he tried. He didn't want to give this up.  
  
"Don't Sarah me," she snapped.  
  
"I don't want my child to grow up in two separate homes being shuttled back and forth," he snapped back infected by her anger.  
  
"Maybe you should have thought about that a little earlier," she came back at him.  
  
"I thought you were on the pill," he said, not actually meaning to accuse her of anything and realizing too late how it had sounded.  
  
"So now this is my fault. Protection is the woman's responsibility, right?" she said sarcastically.  
  
"I didn't mean that, Mac," he said calmer now. He had come here to propose to her not to fight with her. 'Why do we always end up like this when we try to have the important conversations?'  
  
"I think you better leave now, Harm. I almost ended up in a loveless marriage nine months ago, I'm not going to do make the same mistake again, not even for the baby's sake. I'll draw up some papers for a custody agreement, I assume you want to be involved with the child in some way."  
  
"Mac..."  
  
"No."  
  
Two weeks later Harm found the papers on his desk. He read them through and signed them without trying to change anything about them. He had no idea how the two of them had ended up like that. How everything had gone so wrong.  
  
TBC 


	4. 4 out of 6

It's not the rest, but it's at least one more part. Thanks for all the feedback!  
  
Part 4  
  
August 2010  
  
Mac got out of the car and walked towards the big office building. Her friend and partner Liz Henderson walked beside her. Together they ran a law firm specialized in family law. Once Mac had done her twenty years in the Marine Corp she had resigned her commission and started the firm. She wanted to be her own and she wanted to get back into the courtroom again. After she got pregnant she had transferred out of JAG and worked as a legal adviser at Pentagon. The job had been a step down for her, but she had still wanted it and the admiral had already realized he'd be forced to transfer either her or Harm out from JAG. The tension between the two of them had hurt the work climate more than any of their fights had ever before. It wasn't just affecting Mac and Harm's work-performance, but the whole office seemed severely handicapped by it. The gang of friends had been divided into two camps. It had seemed like it would never be the same again and until this day that was the very truth.  
  
Their firm wasn't really successful financially, but it was enough pay to know they made a difference for those children. Mac felt that it was weird to be in the other position, accepting the same advises and reassurances that she had given clients of her own and realizing how empty they could seem.  
  
"Neither one of you wants this to go to court, right? I'm sure we'll be able to work something out," Liz told her friend. She had started the firm together with Mac and had often, just like Mac, handled cases just like this one. Today they were going to talk to Harm and his attorney hoping to somehow work something out between them before it went to court.  
  
"I hope so. Benji sensed something was wrong today... I just don't want him to get hurt," Mac told her.  
  
They had reached the floor of Harm's attorney's office and were shown into a conference room where Harm was already waiting.  
  
"Hello," Liz said and shook his hand. They had met before, but Liz pretty much just knew him from what Mac had told her.  
  
"Hello," Harm said too.  
  
Mac just nodded at him and then swallowed hard. Before the situation got the chance to get more awkward Harm's attorney, Mr. Martin, came into the room and motioned them all to sit down.  
  
"Shall we start by summarizing the situation of how it has been up to now and then we'll discuss where we go from here," Mr. Martin suggested.  
  
"You two have shared custody of Benjamin and he has from he was three up to now lived every other week with his mother and his father respectively, is that correct?" he asked looking down in his papers to get the facts.  
  
Harm nodded saying that it was correct.  
  
"He's lived with me a little more, because of Harm's travels," Mac protested lamely, knowing that it didn't make that much difference.  
  
"Has this arrangement worked well for all parties?"  
  
Harm nodded his head in agreement again.  
  
"Yes, I've been happy to have him with me more," Mac agreed on this one, still in some way wanting to stress the fact that she had been the one that had taken more care of him.  
  
"I've understood what have caused this dispute over custody now is that Mr. Rabb is moving to San Diego the next month."  
  
"That seems to be his choice," Mac muttered.  
  
"It's not a choice. It's an order, Mac. You know what that means just as much as I do."  
  
"You are always in charge of your decisions, Harm," Mac interjected.  
  
"We've been over this hundreds of times, Mac. Why do you always bring it up? Can't you just accept that this is how it will be and leave it at that."  
  
"Maybe we should just move on to the questions we're here to discuss," Liz said. She sensed that there was more to Harm's leaving that was upsetting Mac than him wanting to bring Benji along. Mac had assured her that she was just upset because she wanted Benji to grow up with both of his parents and Harm's leaving would make that impossible, but Liz was pretty sure there was more to it than what she was saying.  
  
"It's my understanding that you have known about this transfer for three months already and in that time you haven't expressed a wish to bring your son with you. What has changed now?" Liz asked him.  
  
"Last week when he came and lived with me I realized that when I move we won't be able to have that anymore and how much it will hurt both of us," Harm simply said. "I lost my father at an early age and I always wanted to be around for Ben. He looks up to me, respects me and I think it would be better for him to live with me."  
  
"But you have always chosen work over him in the past. He's never been your first priority," Mac protested. "You don't want to be tied down by him, you still want your freedom to be able to run off whenever you want to. Do you realize that when you take him to the other side of the country I'm not going to be there to take care of him when you need to go out of town or wants to go out on a date?" she continued her voice dripping with sarcasm at the words need and date.  
  
"How can you say that? I was the one who wanted the three of us to be a real family," Harm said as angry and upset as Mac was. They both seemed to have forgotten that they were not alone in the room.  
  
"I'm sorry if I messed up your plan for a perfect family, that I ruined your image as a the perfect officer and gentleman," she screamed at him "First I manage to get myself pregnant and then I won't let you marry away the problem," she said very aggravated, she hadn't had much hope for this discussion to be able to solve anything and it seemed like she had been right. "Maybe you don't think I deserve to be loved and respected by my husband, but I think I do, that I deserved better than what you offered me and do you know what the ironical thing is?" she asked him rhetorically and then came with the answer herself "It is that you were the one who taught me that."  
  
"You're just angry because I thought about what was best for the baby and you had this image of how you wanted your life to happen," Harm said a lot calmer than anything in their discussion had been uttered before. He wondered what she meant by saying she deserved to be loved by her husband. Surely she must have known that he loved her, and that that was what he had offered her even if he wasn't the man she loved.  
  
"You didn't ask me to marry you. You proposed a business deal and I declined. You wouldn't even look me in the eyes, you were so ashamed of having to do it," Mac hadn't been able to calm down like Harm had done. She was still running forward on the highest gear.  
  
"I think it's obvious that you still have many problems to sort out between the two of you," Mr. Martin stated when the room was filled with deafening silence again. "Have you ever considered some sort of counseling?"  
  
"No,"both of them said and it was clear they weren't going to start considering it now either.  
  
'So they agree on something. I guess that's positive," the attorney thought.  
  
"Okay," he said and continued "And I assume that both of you think that you want what's best for Benjamin."  
  
"Yes," they now mumbled.  
  
"Why don't we try to meet some other time when you are more prepared to discuss the issue of custody?"  
  
"I must agree with that," Liz stated. Mac obviously needed to calm down and talk to Harm about more than just where Benji was going to live. She had never been told the complete story of the two of them, just that they had never been involved in a romantic relationship, but had been best friends before she got pregnant. That had obviously changed completely after that.  
  
"Would the 17th work for you?" he suggested and looked in his calendar.  
  
"No, it's Benji's birthday," Mac said.  
  
"Can't we just wait with scheduling the next meeting for a couple of days?" Harm asked. He looked completely exhausted.  
  
"We can't wait too long though," Mac said as she thought about the fact that within less than a month Harm was going to move, by then they needed to settle this.  
  
She got up from the chair. Liz followed her out of the room and walked with her back to the car. They had just taken one car since they had come direct from the office and were going to go back there together again after the meeting.  
  
Mac sat down on the passenger side and then turned to her friend.  
  
"Do you think that we can ever work this out? I mean not just about Benji, that thing with us."  
  
"There's only one way to find out. Talk to him, ask him," Liz said and thought about all the guys her friend had dated in the time that she had known her. None of the relationships had lasted very long, even though the guys had all been pretty decent. She had always had the theory that it came from the ever ongoing struggle with Harm and before they worked things out between them, neither one of them could go on.  
  
"No," Mac shook her head wondering what had gotten her into asking that "It's already too late..." Mac said and turned to look straight-forward again. Liz glanced at her before she started the engine and in secret watched the lonely tear that made its way down Mac's cheek.  
  
TBC 


	5. 5 out of 6

AN: This part is quite short and I was thinking about maybe posting the end tonight. What do you think about that? Note the timestamp, this takes place before the second and fourth part.  
  
Part 5  
  
July 2010  
  
"What are you doing here?" Harm asked her when he opened the door to his apartment.  
  
"I wanted to catch you before you had a chance to sneak off without saying goodbye," Mac said. The anger was steaming just bellow surface growing stronger waiting for chance to come out.  
  
"So you found out about my transfer," Harm stated.  
  
"Yeah, AJ told me. He thought that since you'd known about it for so long I would already know about it."  
  
"So it's AJ now."  
  
"He's not my CO anymore..." she snapped at him "And don't switch subjects with me here. When were you going to tell me? When were you going to tell your son about this?"  
  
"Well, I sure wasn't going to leave without telling him first. I was just looking for the right time," Harm defended himself.  
  
"You've still just decided to move to the other side of the country without discussing it with me," Mac accused him.  
  
"We're not in a relationship, Mac. I don't have to ask for your permission to do anything."  
  
"Whether you like it or not I'm still the mother of you child," Mac said.  
  
"And that's all you are to me now."  
  
Mac slapped him. It was the truth, but neither one of them had ever acknowledged it in words like that before and her first instinct had been to slap him.  
  
Harm turned his eyes back at her. They both stood quite shocked staring into each other's eyes.  
  
"How did we end up like this?" he whispered.  
  
"I don't know," she whispered back ashamed of what she had just done.  
  
"It doesn't have to be like this," he said and moved closer to her touching her cheek.  
  
"It doesn't?" Mac asked against better knowing.  
  
"No," he bent over and kissed her. It took a few seconds before she started kissing him back.  
  
They both knew that this was wrong. They had done this before just like this without stating their intentions and declaring their emotions. Still they wished that it would have a different ending this time, but how could it when they were still the same people and they were still as unknowing of their partner's feelings.  
  
A few hours later Mac woke up in his arms. It was the one place in the world where she should have felt safest, but just like the last time she was there, she was more scared than she had ever been in her whole life. It had been a mistake. She had once told herself that she never did the same mistake twice, but it had turned out to be wrong. Nothing was different this time than it had been the last. All it had given her was a certification that despite being eight years older and having carried and breastfed one child she could still turn him on. It hadn't been worth it. It wasn't worth the pain and hurt she knew was going to come now. She had tried so hard to forget about her feelings for him, but she had failed even though it had become a very bitter sort of love mingled with hatred. She hated him because she couldn't hate him. Now she was back to square one again.  
  
She untangled herself from him and the sheets and went to search for her clothes that lay discredited around the apartment, carefully she gathered them one by one trying to be so quite that she wouldn't wake him up. When she stood by the door she was almost tempted to go back and look at him. She swore to herself that this was the last time she would ever see him like that. Her willpower was stronger and she went out of the door without looking back again.  
  
The night only added to the raft between them and it became one more memory for them both to ignore and bury, only faith had something up its sleeve that would make it impossible for them to do so.  
  
TBC 


	6. 6 out of 6

AN: Great thanks to everyone who enjoyed the story and told me about it or commented in any other way. You aren't the reason I write, but very much the reason I want to post my stories. This end is kind of... I don't know you'll have to read it to find out. I hope you won't be disappointed.  
  
Part 6  
  
August 2010  
  
"Benji, get down here and open up. Your father is here."  
  
"Coming Mom," he shouted from his room.  
  
Benji came running down the stairs, flung the door open and jumped into his father's arms.  
  
"Happy birthday, Ben," he said and gave him a blue wrapped up present.  
  
"Thank you. Mom, look what I got," he said to Mac and stepped a little further into the hallway to sit down and open his present. Mac and Harm were both careful not to take their eyes off of him to ensure not having to look at each other more than necessary.  
  
"That's nice," she said and watched him open the package, which turned out to be containing a model of a yellow Stearman just like the one Harm had.  
  
"You were late again. Mom, said you were going to come much earlier than the other people, but they will be here anytime now," Benji informed his father as he was opening his present.  
  
"I was caught up in something..."  
  
The phone rang and Benji ran to the kitchen to answer it.  
  
"I know we said so, but I thought it might be a little awkward because of..." Harm trailed off.  
  
Once again there was a knock on the door and this time it was Harriet, Bud, AJ and Jimmy. The adults greeted each other a bit cautiously. Benji soon came and got Jimmy and AJ to go and show him his presents.  
  
Jimmy and Benji had been good friends for long and now they were in the same class in school as well. It was only through their friendship that Mac had any contact with the Roberts' at all. The friendship she had had with them had deteriorated after it was clear that Harm and Mac weren't going to work out their differences. They had been stuck in a difficult position between the two of them and even though they hadn't wanted to choose sides, in the end they had been forced to just like the rest of their common friends. Some of them had kept up the contact with Harm and some had stayed with her. From having shared so many things, their friends, experiences and thoughts, they had ended up only having fading memories and their son in common.  
  
She showed them through the house to the back of the house. The sun was shining and in the garden she had set up tables and a barbeque. Tomorrow Benji was going to have a party for all of his school friends, but today was just for the family consisting of adult friends of his parents. Not much later Sturgis and his family arrived as well as the big AJ, Liz and the office clerk from Mac's firm.  
  
Harm was sitting together with Sturgis trying to make a good and normal conversation. Sturgis had gone from being Harm's best friend to Mac's confidant and ever since then they had both felt uncomfortable around each other. After a while they had stopped seeing each other at all privately. AJ was in charge of the barbeque and Mac and Liz were running in and out of the house carrying the rest of the food outside. Eventually they were ready to eat and the whole party tried to be as nice and unrestrained as they possibly could. Except for the children they all knew about the ongoing custody battle between Benji's parents, but they also all wanted to try to give the little boy a nice and normal birthday. It was of course impossible for them to keep the tensions away from him and the children were quick to disappear into the house as soon as they could.  
  
Mac started piling the plates together and Harm was soon to help her carry some of the things back to the kitchen. Once in the kitchen instead of taking out the cake and start lighting the candles like he had thought she would, she turned to him asking him to come with her.  
  
"I have something for you," she said as she walked into her office. "I actually wanted you to have them before the party, but... Could you close the door, please."  
  
He did as he'd been told and then turned back to her seeing her pulling something out of the top drawer of her desk.  
  
"I've signed these papers. You can let your lawyer look at them and then come back to me," she tried to do it as much like everyday business as she could, but didn't succeed very well. "I think you'll agree with them though."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"It's all in the papers," Mac said calmly. She wanted this conversation to be over as soon as possible. This was the hardest thing she had ever done.  
  
"But I want to hear it from you."  
  
"I'm giving full custody of Benji to you. I'm letting you take him to San Diego. I don't want to go to court against you. I don't want to fight with you."  
  
"What made you change your mind?"  
  
"If I fight with you over him and win, he'll end up hating me for taking you away from him. It's a loose/loose situation for me regardless of what happens in court."  
  
"I don't want to fight with you either and I don't want this," he said and started ripping the papers apart.  
  
"Harm, what are you doing? I thought that was what you wanted most," Mac protested.  
  
"It's not what I want most," he explained.  
  
"Last time I asked you what you wanted most I didn't know what to make of the answer I got."  
  
"Ask me again."  
  
"I don't want to play this game with you, Harm," she wondered what he was doing, where he was going with this.  
  
He looked hurt at her.  
  
"There's something else I need to tell you," Mac started off realizing that she couldn't keep it to herself any longer.  
  
Harm looked at her understanding that this was something important  
  
"I'm pregnant... again."  
  
"Am I..." Harm asked disbelieving that this would happen to the two of them again as she had said.  
  
Mac nodded.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Is that how low your thoughts are of me these days?" Mac asked hurt by his question, but deep down also realizing why he would ask.  
  
"Mac, if you say that I'm the father I believe you," he said confidently. His head was spinning with this new information.  
  
"You don't have to worry about it. I have an appointment at the hospital... I'm having it," she paused at word 'it' feeling like the word was twisting a knife in her heart "taken care of."  
  
"This is not what you want Mac," Harm said with a lot of certainty.  
  
"It doesn't... I... Harm, it's obvious that we don't do this well. Being parents together. And it will be too confusing for Benji. He's going to go through such a hard time now with the move as it is. We all are, we don't need more trouble added to this."  
  
As she was talking her eyes were starting to fill up with tears and a few of them were making their way down her cheeks. Harm stepped up closer to her shaking his head.  
  
"This is not what you want," Harm said again brushing the tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs. "It doesn't have to be this way," he echoed the words from a few weeks ago. He took a deep breath and added "Most of all I want us to be a family, Mac. We never tried being parents together like that."  
  
"Isn't it too late for that?" she asked wondering exactly where they were heading with this discussion. Coming in here she had thought he would just be so thrilled over the papers, that he wouldn't question her motives. She hadn't planned to tell him about the new baby until after the party when Benji had gone to bed and the guests had all left.  
  
"Not if we both want to."  
  
"Why do you want us to be a family?" Mac asked him prepared to hear a repeat of the conversation from eight years ago, possibly just in a little nicer tone.  
  
"Because I love you," came the spontaneous answer and Mac swayed a little causing Harm to grab hold of her to steady her.  
  
"You?" she was all she could get out.  
  
He nodded and smiled. He had been so afraid of telling her this, but once he had said it he realized just how relieved he was by it. No matter how she felt he didn't regret saying it.  
  
"I... I love you too," she said and let out all of the air from her lungs. The impact of their words hit them both like a brick wall.  
  
"Did you back then too?" Harm asked the question they were both pondering, but already knew the answer to. If they loved each other now, they must have done it back then too. These last years hadn't exactly brought an environment where love was going to blossom.  
  
"Always did."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"We're such a mess," Mac said in devastation over what they had possibly missed all of those years of fighting. 'Where can we possibly go from here?'  
  
"Come with me to San Diego," Harm said like he had heard her thoughts. Before she could say anything he started arguing for it "I don't want to be on the other side of the country from you, away from our children. I think we need to get away from all of this. The house, our friends and old habits. We'll start over in a new place..."  
  
"Harm," Mac interrupted him "Yes."  
  
"You'll come with me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Harm leaned in towards her, but stopped before he was touching her lips. She closed the distance between them and they started kissing each other, sensing things they had never done before, when they had kissed. There was no fear, only love and comfort.  
  
"Yuck," came from the door that had just been flung open "Benji, your parents are making out in your mom's office," Little AJ shouted causing everyone in the house to stop their movements and Harriet to drop the big saladsbowl on the floor with a big crash. When Harm and Mac hadn't returned out to the backyard they had decided to start carrying the rest of the stuff in and start to leave as soon as they came back. 'At least they're not screaming' had been the thought on everyone's mind.  
  
"No way," Benji shouted back, but still ran to see for sure. After him came the rest of the people from the kitchen and the rest of the house too curious to stay away. They all stopped in the doorway with Benji standing a bit closer to his parents than the rest of the group.  
  
Harm and Mac had sprung apart by the shout from Little AJ, but Harm now put his arm back around her back and leaned over to give her a quick peck on the mouth just for show. The surprised group of people couldn't find any words to say. Well, except for one person.  
  
"Cool. Are we having cake now?" Benji said in the same breath and looked urgently at his mother.  
  
--  
  
"This was the best birthday ever," Benji later told both of his parents as they were tucking him in for the night.  
  
"I bet it was," Mac said and smiled at him "What would you say to all of us moving to San Diego together?"  
  
"I'd still get to see Jimmy sometimes?" he asked carefully wanting to have all of the information before he said what he wanted to do.  
  
"We could still go back and visit here sometimes," Harm assured him.  
  
"I think that would be OK, then. Would we Dad, you and me all live in the same house?"  
  
"Yes," Mac said and stroked away some strays of hair from his face "We're really sorry Benji that we've been fighting so much, but we'll try to do better from now on."  
  
"We promise," Harm said and Benji was fully aware of what it meant when his father said he promised to do something. He was almost asleep when his parent quietly snuck out of his room.  
  
Down by the door Harm turned to Mac.  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too," Mac said "I'm sorry we can't do these years over for him. Make it better. He's been so hurt by us."  
  
"We'll just make the future so much better. For her too," he said and touched Mac's abdomen something he had never been able to do when she was pregnant with Benji.  
  
"Or for him."  
  
"Or for him," he added and smiled.  
  
"I love you, Harm."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Those words couldn't be said to often. They made a silent pact that they weren't going to count the years when they should already have been saying them.  
  
"You could stay, you know," Mac said.  
  
"I'll be back tomorrow, Harm declined. To be completely honest they both knew that now might not the right time to push it any further.  
  
"I love you," Harm said and kissed her. The passion and the desire building in the kiss were overwhelming them both. "Kissing you like that makes it really hard for me to leave."  
  
"Then don't. Never do," Mac told him, pushed the door shut and took his hand leading him towards her bedroom, their bedroom.  
  
They'd stay by each other's side like that for the rest of their lives.  
  
The End 


End file.
